*2Flower* To You

moi*MOI*moi

It's been awhile since I've just written. I think I get caught up in wanting to say something important or funny or amazing, and then I get writer's block. I'll have to be less obsessed with being amazing, and just write. I think I forget sometimes why I do this blog, which is for me. It's to help me by writing down my thoughts and feelings. And it does help me, when I do that.

I've had a possible breakthrough today. And when I think about it, it sounds unbelievably simple, to the point of stupidity even. But I realized that happiness is really pretty much my responsibility. I know that I can't necessarily decide to be happy, but my choices can make it much easier for me. What I choose to read, watch, listen to, eat, and think about -- are my choices. I'm a really sensitive person, which is why I am usually careful, especially when it comes to reading good books, listening to good music, and not watching violent, raunchy or horror movies. But today I wasn't as careful with reading. I started reading about some spousal abuse that someone went through. And it is good to know about those things, but it brought me down. I went through that with my first husband -- all kinds of abuse. And this woman had very similar experiences as me. And that's when it hit me that it really is up to me to make good reading choices, etc. Just because something is interesting doesn't make it uplifting. Some things are like a train wreck. Or maybe I should have saved it to read later when I was feeling more up to it. But I did learn something today from the experience, and that is that I don't really have to torture myself by continuing to read something upsetting.

And I have also been down on myself about my WW points and my weight. It started out being motivating to write it all down on here and put all my points up, etc. But it actually became a tool for self-punishment when I would fail. So I will continue to report my victories, but reporting my failures seems to be self-defeating, as I seem to live to punish myself sometimes, LOL. What's up with that? I will just say that I did not do as well tonight as I would have liked, but it will be okay.

Another thing I'm going to change is also going to be more motivating. When I started WW back in May, my dad had offered to pay for it for me, which was really nice. And I do appreciate it a lot, because it would have been difficult for me to afford. He's also paying for my medicine and doctor bills because I don't have insurance. And I appreciate that too. I am now in a financial position now to at least pay for my own WW meetings. And I think I will make more progress when I am paying for it.

Well, I need to take my medicine and go to bed now.